I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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