I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
