I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
