My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
