everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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