We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
