I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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