I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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