I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
