Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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