My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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