i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
