**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's shark week go big or go home
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
