Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
