Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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