I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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