There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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