Plan B is the new Plan A
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
