youre lurking in front of me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
