Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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