My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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