Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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