tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
