Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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