The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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