I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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