Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
