i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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