So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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