My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
