I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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