Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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