Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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