Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
