when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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