I'm pants shitting drunk right now
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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