my phone needs a breathalizer
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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