i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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