I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
