you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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