Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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