so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
