apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
