I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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