at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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