I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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