Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
