Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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