woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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