I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Holy sore nipples Batman
Randomize
